I’ve been back and forth with whether or not to post this. The reason being I know how easy it can be to trigger an eating disorder trauma with a post like this. I don’t want to be responsible for anyone feeling bad about themselves or being triggered by what I write so please, if you struggle with your feelings about your weight, read this with caution if at all.
But right now I really want, no, need to talk about how I’m feeling about my weight.
I’ve always been quite chilled out about my weight. I’ve never been one to put it on fast, I’ve always been naturally quite slim. And it’s very easy for me to tell my friends who have been unhappy with their weight that they look great and not to worry – because they really do. I have so many curvier friends who look wonderful and who don’t need to lose a single pound in order to be more attractive or to feel better about themselves.
I’m really pro-diversity and whatever feels good when it comes to people’s weight. If someone’s skinny then they’re skinny. If they’re larger, they’re larger. It’s never been an issue for me – I’ve never thought anyone more or less of a woman because of their weight or size, or more or less attractive.
That’s why the feelings I’ve been having about my body for the last few weeks have confused me so much – in fact completely knocked me over.
The reason being: I feel fat. Yes, I hate that word. It’s a terrible word and I’d never use it to describe anyone else. I don’t feel it about anyone else. I don’t judge about anyone else. But when I look in the mirror, lately, all I see is fat. The worst kind of fat. The “fat” that’s used in the most derogatory way, the “fat” that’s all my fault and the “fat” that will be the thing that stands out on my wedding day, in my wedding pictures, forever.
Every rational bone in my body is telling me it’s just a bit of extra weight, it’s normal, my back’s been out, I’ve been working from home, exercise has pretty much gone out of the window, of course I’ve put on a few pounds. It’s not a big deal. My BMI is smack bang in the middle of the “healthy” range, plus I’m still squeezing into size 10 jeans…
Except none of that matters. It doesn’t matter that I don’t think a bit of extra weight looks bad on other people. It doesn’t matter that I know I’m perfectly healthy. It doesn’t matter that I know I can probably lose a few pounds if I put my mind to it. The anxiety that’s come with it has started to spiral out of control. I’ve started to avoid looking in the mirror, to delete photos of me the minute I see them. I can’t even look down when I wash without feeling tearful.
So what’s brought on this sudden body-shape anxiety? Well, for a start, I have put on weight. Not a lot, but enough for me to not feel like myself any more. I’ve always been smaller and the shock of zips getting stuck, of jeans feeling tighter and tighter, of them not fitting at all has hit me hard. It’s not that there’s anything wrong with putting on weight, I just wasn’t expecting it. It creeped up on me and now, I think the biggest issue is I don’t know how to identify myself any more. Am I now officially in the larger category? Is my body how I imagine it or has it changed beyond my recognition? Can I lose this weight or is this who I am now? While most people’s weight fluctuates, mine never has. This is new territory. And why do I feel the need to categorise myself by my weight at all?
The second thing is the wedding. The obsessive need to look like “me” (whoever that is) in my wedding photos – the pressure to fit into a dress that the shop ordered a size smaller than I would have liked on the somewhat bizarre assumption that I’d definitely lose weight before the big day. The first dress fitting is in a month and I feel like I’ve lost all my confidence in my own body.
I’ve talked about weddings and body confidence before and how there’s a degree of pressure to look perfect for your big day. I just never realised how susceptible I was to it until now.
So yes, while I might preach about how feeling good is more important than looking good, I’m afraid I’ve fallen victim to the idea that I need to look like a perfect version of me. Despite my logical, educated self telling me not to worry, a dress is just a dress, a body can change, it probably doesn’t even need to that much, I have to say I’ve not been feeling great about myself.
I’m afraid I can’t offer a solution in a neat, bullet-pointed structure. This is a journey I need to go on before I can dare to tell anyone else how to handle it. But all I can say is, I hope that whatever my body shape, I can start to see myself as beautiful, like I see all my friends and people who are pretty much the same size as me as gorgeous. I hope I can apply the standard I apply to the rest of the world to my own body – and I hope I can get through this without it taking over the joy of getting married in just six months now.
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I’ve been feeling similar recently – try moving in with your boyfriend, eating his meals and not having a full length mirror as a weight gain program – I did!
In my humble experience, some things make the ‘f’ feeling worse
1) Being skinny originally. Never having been a skinny person (the last time I was a size ten, I was about 13 years old), I think I find weight fluctuations easier to deal with than my friends who are skinny and are trying to remain so. Having said that, I am aware of the size of clothing that will signal alarm bells for me, if I have to start buying it (not mentioning here, in order to avoid offense – everyone’s different!)
2) Feeling like you there’s factors making you ‘fat’ (not that I’m agreeing with your self-diagnosis here!) you can’t control. For you, it may be your back problems, for me, living with an OH for the first time, I feel I have less control over my eating and what’s in the cupboards.
Knowing you’re healthy and all other forms of logic do fly out of the window when weight’s concerned. Fraid I can’t offer solutions either! Just some support x
Hi Lucy,
Well having met you I can say I think you’re gorgeous – but if someone told me that it wouldn’t matter, I guess it’s how you feel about yourself.
I think living with the OH, working from home, the bad back, they’ve all contributed to a feeling of helplessness over it – like I’m no longer in control of my weight.
Thanks for sharing and for the offer of support. Huge hugs and love xxxxxxxx
Well done for having the courage to write a post like this. I worked as a Slimming World Consultant for 11 years and and it doesn’t matter how much weight we feel we need to lose. If we don’t feel ‘comfortable’ it becomes an issue that doesnt go away until we make changes.
The 1st thing you’ve done is admit to yourself you dont feel right. All you need to do now is take off the pressure and make small changes.
You are only human and have dealt with so many lifestyle changes in such a short space of time. Allow common sense to kick in. Eat more of the healthier foods Fruit, Veg, Fish, chicken. You can still allow carbs..(we need them as energy boosters!.. Pasta, Rice, Potatoes!) Drink lots of water and have less dairy and bread. Keep treats controlled but still enjoy. All it means is a new routine.
Its not too late to get back to feeling like “you” in time for your fabulous wedding … Dont panic xx
The most important thing is not how much you weigh, what size clothes you wear, or what your waist measurement is, body confidence is all about feeling comfortable and happy in your own skin. It is a sensitive subject, but one I think it’s important to tackle especially in our industry where there is so much pressure to look ‘perfect’ on your wedding day (whatever that is!). My advice is to be sensible, eat healthily and excercise, be a better version of yourself, not another skinny bride. If you feel happy and confident I guarantee you will look exactly as you want to in your wedding pics xo
I’m currently doing the lighterlife program and one thing that I have found in our groups is that no matter how much weight people want to lose, the feelings are exactly the same. If you have always been slim, i’m sure it won’t take much for you to lift off them few pounds, so don’t worry.
From my current experience I can say I have lost 6 stone and I am a size 18 for only the second time in my life and I miss having my fat to hide behind sometimes! Our bodies and minds are strange things!!!
Im struggling with whole assumption that brides lose weight. I am a size 10, run half marathons for fun and am physically healthy and strong. And yet, I’ve been asked when I’m starting my wedding diet.
I don’t know whether it is the ‘done thing’, or what, but it is starting to make me very paranoid. I am dreading the first dress fitting where my measurements will be taken. I do not want to be a fat bride and so I’m feeling intense pressure to diet and lose some weight.
Here’s the kicker – I’ve had an eating disorder in the past. I KNOW now how to be healthy, and yet this insane pressure is making me slip back into old habits. I would hate hate hate to be the girl I was on my wedding day. Terrified to go near food, or to see anyone eating. I was withdrawn and defensive. Not the happy glowing bride I want to be.
The next time I hear ‘wedding diet’ mentioned to me, I intend to force a laugh and answer ‘yes, I’ll be testing the cake and champagne ta’.
x
I think its quite normal to have some body issues in the run up to your wedding. Even if you are perfectly happy with your size/weight/shape being constantly asked if you’re “going on a wedding diet” or seeing diet after diet in every wedding magazine makes you think that you should be shedding the pounds.
Personally, I think you look fantastic as you are. I would pay good money to have your slim pins!!
Thanks all for your lovely comments and stories. It’s a scary and slippery slope with wedding weight, especially as so many people take the idea of a wedding diet as a given.
I think I just need to find my “happy weight” whatever that is xxx
Hello! Try to do some physical exercise for 2 hrs a week. I do and to be honest I don’t even think about my weight anymore, never weigh myself & don’t feel bad if I want to eat something. The feeling you get after exercise is amazing and makes you feel much better in yourself anyway. It definitely makes you feel happier and healthier. Quick fix diets have never worked for me either.xx
Hello, I agree with Madelaine that nurturing your body is a much better way to go than diets.
But here is a discussion that might ring a bell with you:
We need to stop seeing our body/weight as a decorative avatar which needs to be controlled to reflect our true innermost self. Your current body IS yourself and it is no less good than your “past” body (since it is the same anyways, with more experiences/history – which you should be please to know). As a matter of fact, it is much more who you are, and just as great, than any future Utopian body. Easier said than done, I know, but focus on what your body enables you to do… It feels, it loves, it allows you to write this wonderful blog, it will be the one giving you access to experiencing all the beautiful emotions that will come with your wedding…
Don’t martyrise yourself. And ps, fat is only a bad word to the extent that you associate it with negative moral/aesthetic or medical meanings, which doesn’t need to be the case. Some of the most beautiful women I know are full-figured and they are the more attractive for loving themselves and enjoying what their body has to offer. The trick is more in the acceptance than the diet – and most importantly – it concerns you as well even (or especially) if you feel that you are not at your so-called “authentic” or “real” weight.
One day – because no, i don’t think my weight will keep me from getting there
– I will proudly send you my own full-figured real wedding submission.
Love ya Gorgeous(and I really mean it in every possible way!) xx
Ooooh. It’s a horrible thing the way your own head can get all messed up over a little bit of extra you. But you know what, it’s ok to be aware of the changes and it’s ok to not always feel great about yourself. That happens. I have distinct fat days even at my least fat. And on the other hand I sometimes have my bestest check me out days when I’m carrying extra weight. But without a doubt, realising that you need to go up a size in your jeans hits you hard and can trigger all sorts of panic. I know that. But I agree that doing exercise is a great way to combat it. I tend to care much less about my appearance post run because I feel so much more positive in general. Plus, the exercise is keeping my weight fairly stable which is brilliant. Because I sure as hell aint dieting. Nuh-uh. x
I read this with interest, there’s some mixed opinions on advice, but all with the same common theme, you’re still fabulous you with a couple of extra pounds. I’ve put on weight, I’m not happy about it, so I started a diet and exercise program with my Mum. 2 weeks in, i’d lost 4lb and was happy with my progress. Then I had my operation and the diet went out of the window. So I put on my favourite outfit that makes me feel good about myself, (pencil skirt and heels), did my hair, made an effort with my make up and let my OH tell me I looked great.
I am exactly the same I have never ever cared about my weight and yes have always been able to eat what I liked and never worried. But since moving in with the boyf I have gained quite a large sweet tooth and although I would say I’m ‘Fat’ more porky there is now a very noticable muffin top and belly.
Im also short so even the smallest of weight gains is noticable but I agree with Louise it is all bout boday confidence, once you feel happy with your body it will show. I am dreading a holiday at the moment because I really dont want to get my stomach out but Im getting on with the exercise & eating so much better which in itself is making me feel alot better and more motivated with everything
You’ll feel happy about yourself again soon dont worry
Jo xoxo
Being a dietitian I have dealt with both sides of the scale – the malnourished and morbidly obese. We live in a society where the media portrays healthy weight as very skinny definitely below a BMI of 20kg/m2. And to top this off graphic designers use photo-shop to add to this enigmatical skeleton look. As long as your BMI is between 20 -25kg/m2 and you try to eat healthy( 2/3 of your plate should be fruit and veggies) and may be even drag the dog out for a walk a few times a week you are more the fine. Celebrate being a real woman! Jo-My I agree with you some exercise and healthy eating definitely adds to my confidence
I read this post and I sympathise so much with how you’re feeling. I spent my life being “thin”. I always had curves but I was one of those girls who had a flat stomach without doing any exercise. God I wish I knew then how lucky I was!
Anyway, I got ill and was given pills that bumped me from a size ten to a size sixteen in six months. I’m now a size 12-14 and I still look in the mirror and see someone else’s body with my face. I’m bigger than I’m happy with and whilst my BMI teeters on the brink of being overweight, I’m not technically overweight. And in comparison to a lot of people I’m still pretty bloody skinny!
But sometimes how you feel isn’t rational. Sometimes I think it’s actually harder if you’ve never really struggled with your weight before because when you then put on a few pounds (or in my case, nearly three stone) you’re so used to being thin and that being the status quo that any fluctuation comes as a shock. If you’ve always struggled with your weight, putting on a few pounds isn’t normal but it is less of a shock.
The thing that I have learned is that you have to not beat yourself up about it and deprive yourself of everything you like eating. I know perfectly well if I do that I’ll end up eating two large bars of Dairy Milk in a day, rounded off by a couple of panna cottas from M&S. Keep an eye on your portion sizes as that is where a lot of us fall down. We might be eating pretty healthily but we’re just eating too much (been there, done that).
And I know when you’ve got a bad back exercise can be virtually impossible but I used to walk for hours with a runner’s water bottle, a tenner for emergencies and my keys. No bag, nothing. It was that or lie on the floor. If you get a pair of running shoes, they’re light and have great support for your feet plus they minimise jarring to your back. They’re deeply uncool but if they’re comfy, who cares?!
But try not to worry about it. Stress hormones are evil when it comes to nixing any potential weight loss! And don’t worry about the dress. My sister in law got hers for the first fitting and it wouldn’t do up. At all. Seamstresses have seen it all before and hers worked miracles. You’d also be amazed at how designers can manipulate their order book when push comes to shove… And this was a month before the wedding. You have a lot longer to sort things out if necessary.
I think pressure on brides can be hideous but regardless of whether you lose weight or not, you will look back and see the happiest day of your life. Your fiance is marrying you, not a dress size.