Oooof guys this is a difficult one. Think of everyone you know who’s successful. Are they necessarily liked? No.
I am a nice guy… girl… most of the time (I mean nice most of the time. I’m a girl all of the time) so I’m going to use a general example rather than pick on someone in our lovely industry (solidarity folks).
Steve Jobs. A man with a vision. A man with no time for imperfection or incompetence. A man who’s standard of competence was so high it was almost impossible to meet. A man who kept his employees working for days on end without breaks. A man who pitted teams of his workers against each other in order to deliberately divide, conquer and come up with great products. A man who will never be forgotten by the world.
And, by all accounts, not a very nice man at all.
In the cut-throat world of business (yes, even the wedding business – it’s not all teacups and bunting) it can be easy to start to get despondent when you see people who don’t come across as necessarily the nicest people succeeding. It can lead you to think that the only way to get ahead is to be aloof, cold, condescending, maybe even rude, maybe even cruel. It can sometimes look like that’s the only way to earn respect – by being too available you might look needy, that success equates to superiority.
But that’s just a load of old hocum (yup – I said hocum). Some of the world’s most successful brands are built on kindness, openness, sensitivity, honesty… look at Tyra Banks, Stephen Fry, Oprah Winfrey… all people who have built their brands on being honest and open – being themselves, or at least enhanced versions of themselves.
The “nice” brand may not get people gushing over you – it may not make people fear you or have a sort of cool, distant respect for you. But it’s also a very meaningful and rewarding way to become successful. It forges genuine heart-to-heart connections with people, it touches people, it helps them in their day-to-day lives and it inspires them.
Gandhi said: “Be the change you want to see in the world” – so why not be brave enough to be nice?
However, if you are naturally quite a nice person, you want to avoid getting walked over, or the other pitfalls that can come with being open and friendly. Here’s a little guide on building your brand on kindness:
♥ The old cliché – be nice to people on your way up. And it’s so true – while you’re on top of the world make sure you don’t forget the people who helped you get there. All that goes up must come down. The good news it can bounce back up again, but rarely without help. So don’t burn any bridges when you feel you’ve “made it”. I have an actual list (yup) of people who’ve helped me in my career. A list. Yup.
♥ Don’t be bitter. Bitter isn’t a “nice” trait. Yes, it can be difficult to see people succeed when you don’t necessarily feel they deserve it. I’ve been guilty of it. But quite honestly I’ve come to realise lately that I’m not the authority on who deserves success and who doesn’t. I’m also wasting valuable time and energy worrying about what makes other people successful. Being myself is what’s got me this far – so why not take it all the way and just wish everyone else the best? If I “deserve” success, I’ll make it happen for myself.
♥ Don’t let people walk all over you. There’s a difference between being firm and being nasty. Saying “no” to things you don’t want to do, discounts you don’t want to give etc. doesn’t make you a bad person – it means you’re being true to yourself and valuing what you do. Find a nice but firm way to say no. The best advice I’ve been given is by another industry bod who’s done very very well from being nice (I’ll keep her anonymous as it was a private conversation). She reminded me that I’m running a business and not a charity. I do get a lot (I mean a LOT) of emails every day asking for help. If I think I can help and if it’s good for my brand, I’ll do it, but I’m starting to cut back on the amount of favours I’m doing, the amount of small discounts I give etc. and it really makes a difference to the time I have every day to get things done. That doesn’t mean that I’ll never help anyone out, it just means I’ve realised I can’t be a crutch to the whole world.
♥ Having said that, do be accessible. Don’t ignore people who’ve said nice things to you on Twitter etc. Give people the time of day, especially when they’ve helped you out. Take a second to thank them. It’s OK to talk back to people – it doesn’t look needy – it’s an egalitarian principle. I’m constantly hearing about how much people like certain magazine editors etc. because they’re NICE and they don’t ignore your messages. I’ve never seen anyone lose respect as a result of treating people like their equals.
♥ Be genuinely nice. As in don’t just be nice for the sake of branding – if you don’t click with someone, don’t gush over them. Be polite, be kind, but also try to be real.
♥ Sharing your feelings is OK! Just accept responsibility for them and talk about them in a constructive way. For example, it’s fine to voice jealousy, as long as you own it, it’s not fine to trash someone out of a place of jealousy.
♥ Keep disputes private – even if you’ve been wronged, it’s never OK to tweet publically about it or blog about it. I did it once and it looked so pathetically unprofessional I immediately felt awful and deleted it. And again, the same industry bod who helped me out before gave me some more words of wisdom – to keep negativity away from my business. And yet again she was right. People shouldn’t see what’s going on behind the scenes. Being open is one thing, but branding and professionalism is still important.
♥ Finally, enjoy what you do. If you love what you’re doing, people will feel the love. If you’re buoyed on and positive, people will respond in kind – and positivity attracts positivity (no matter what science says) so keep smiling, even if you don’t always feel like it and put a positive message out there. It may not attract the “cool kids” but it’s the nice kids that will connect with you long term.
What do you think, businessy types? Does being nice get you nowhere? Or do you choose who you work with or follow based on their persona? Brides, do you read blogs based on the blogger’s personality? Leave me some comments!
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Great post – and rules I try to live by every day in business. A clear conscience and knowing I’m being professional, kind and encouraging to others helps me to feel good about myself and about my business. To me, success should be a positive thing.
Julia xx
what a wonderful post! Very well put together. I love people on Twitter who interact with you, who dont feel so ‘superior’ that they ignore you… there are a number of people out there inc a couple of ‘professional’ bloggers who do this its rude – they especially need to remember who keeps them there….
Im so lucky doing what I love for a living & some folk find it really weird that one of my closest friends also does what I do & when she, or indeed several other ladies who do what I do have good news or we need some help sourcing something we are willing to help each other and thats what its all about. I do have a problem with people who are unnecessarily rude/bitchy in fact I had an unfortunate encounter with a foul, rude woman at an industry dinner and again at another gathering last Summer someone else was very chippy with me. I will never forget their behaviour and they will be the very last people I would help out when they will inevitably go downhill…
Remember its far easier to be approachable than it is to be rude…
Thank you guys for the lovely comments – you’re very right, people remember bad behaviour as much as they remember you helping them out. I always feel terrible if I’ve forgotten to reply to an email or comment as I know how that sort of thing sticks.
I think being positive and nice on your way up is the way to go, it’s certainly a far less lonely way… xxx
Great post Sara, I totally agree with all that. And I think that social networking has really enhanced all this. People that I come across in the industry just seem to be incredible lovely and helpful – and therefore I would always go out of my way to help them, and will also remember their kindness in the future. I think that appreciating the people around you, and sharing with them, helping, etc., will always get you further than trying to go it alone.
Helen x
I started to read the post, thinking “yes, but…”, only to find actually, as I read on, you addressed what I was going to say. Being nice isn’t about saying yes to everything, if it doesn’t suit you, your business, your brand, or even appeal to you. I think a lot of people seem to think that when people say no, its being “unpleasant”. And that leads to all sorts of other problems, of being obliged for all the wrong reasons.
I think as long as you remain courteous to other people, you don’t get into bitching (and that includes of the anonymous sort, where you allude to something without naming names – that still counts as being bitchy!), then that’s the main thing. Do nice people finish last? Was it Steve Jobs’ ruthlessness, or was it his strong sense of business that made him successful? Warren Buffet, for example – multi-billionaire currently giving away almost all his money to Bill Gates charitable foundation AND insisting on the U.S. government charging him more in taxes. An example of a Nice guy, clearly finishing first. Fred Goodwin, apparently very difficult to work for, stripped of his honours.
I think though, what fuels your success, will be (in no order) 1. reputation as a person; 2. reputation as a business (you can be the nicest person in the world, or the worst, if your product isn’t up to much then you’re stuck); 3. your actual business ability; 4. your own conscience – if you’re someone who thinks they “deserve” things because they’ve been nice/good/etc, or you’re in “fear” of bad things because you’ve had a row/bitching session/not been as good, then it will impact on how successful you allow yourself to be.
I love this sentiment. Being nice is so underrated. And I find nice people usually finish ahead, as long as they stay true to themselves and their values in the process. Fake niceness just doesn’t work.
This is so refreshing. My business is a new one for me and although I have always loved baking and decorating cakes I have been truely fearful that I might not make it in business because I’m too ‘nice’. I have friends and family who work in exremely cut throat worlds where it only seems possible to get on by treading on everyone you meet on the way up. I have always known I would be unable to do that so its extremely reassuring to hear of likeminded people out there.
People buy from people, so being nice can be good for business. But being nice is not the same as being commercially naive. In my experience, professional respect is usually reciprocated, and if it isn’t, then find someone else to do business with .
What an encouraging, positive post.
thank you.
Yes! Thanks for this. I have wondered about this – whether being nice is going to get me anywhere.
It does upset me a little when people blank me on Twitter, especially when I’m responding to a call for help/ideas. Makes me think maybe I’m not cool enough….
Thanks for being lovely xx
Couldn’t agree more. You reap what you sow. Jan
Another brilliant post! I have also struggled with concept of nice people not getting ahead – but agree you would rather get to the top with your own morals and integrity intact than to get there and not like yourself v much! Keep sharing I look forward to these articles v much xx
Brilliant post. You said what I feel about everything. Discounts … one of my traders said you’re running a business, not a charity so don’t feel obliged to give discount to people who ask all the time. She’s so right. As for the “cool” people on twitter, don’t know what makes them think they’re too cool to respond to a tweet when it’s promoting them as well. I agree with everything you said. Love from a “nice” business person! x
Why don’t I read your blog every day?! OK – now this is a really interesting one.
Yes to being nice in your dealings with other people: competitors, customers (of course!), fellow industry professionals.
It’s important to be professional too, and the level of professionalism (vs friendliness) in your business communications depends on the type of business: a photographer has to be friendly & chatty while a wedding insurer might have a different tone on twitter & facebook.
I always went by the policy of ‘being nice or saying nothing’ until a few months ago. There was a TV debate which still sticks in my mind: are we as a nation becoming too bland, and boring? We’re all focusing on being nice, saying nice things… and nobody’s stirring the pot.
Which brings me to bloggers. Nice is all well and good. A business has to be nice. A blogger… perhaps has a responsibility to point out all that’s wrong in their world – whether that’s the wedding industry or politics. That TV debate made me think, and stopped me being scared of posting this little post.
I think nice has its limits for bloggers – that said, I’m happy to poke a stick at the big corporations in the wedding industry. Be nice to people who deserve it? x